Update On My Success

Update on my success.

December 28th, 2010

" Something that you know is damning up the flow, Tear the damn dam down , Let me explain it...If you don't take the reigns its going to stay the same, nothings going to change if you don't change it!"

I know its been a long time since Ive blogged. I have been busy, busy, busy! I have been going through the part of Gastric Bypass that people don't talk about often...the settling in. I have been trying to get used to the new me,the new pouch, the new look on life. It has been an interesting time. I have had to learn to only take a 1/2 cup of food at a time, to re think food in general, and get used to the mental changes experienced with the transitions.

As we all know the whole point of Gastric Bypass is to help restrict my food intake in order to help in weight loss. So many people think that I have taken the easy way out but I beg to differ. I haven't had to many of the complications associated with Gastric Bypass. Thank God!!! However I still at two months post op can not eat beef at all. I have lost 55lbs at this point. I had hoped to be closer to 100lbs at this point but I am not giving up.

The holiday seasons have come and gone and I have not gained any holiday weight but my weight loss has been slower. The holidays are so different with the absence of excessive food. I am just physically unable to gore myself and I have mentally had to learn will power during the holiday season.

I am starting to learn allot about proper serving sizes, what to eat and what not to eat as well as the simple fact that you need to exercise to lose weight. I cant sit around eating cookies and properly utilize the Gastric Bypass tool properly. My first priority every day is protein and caloric intake. I try to eat around 1000 calories a day as well as 80 to 90 proteins a day. This is not easy. I am getting by but finding it hard to get it all in as I am simply not hungry any more.

As the holidays came I did let myself enjoy the celebration food just in excessively small portions. I still do encourage those who are thinking about doing the Gastric Bypass to go ahead and take the leap...start the process. It is one of the best decisions I have made in my life. I will try to keep you all in the loop more and my next blog will be more informative with recipes and routines that I have used with success. I hope all enjoyed a great holiday season. Remember to make a good resolution to get healthy this new year. feel free to call me with any questions you may have.

Dolly Parton - Better Get To Livin'

This is the theme of my blog this evening...Check it out!!! Great Great song!!

" Better Get To Livin"

"Better Get To Livin"

November 13th, 2010

"The day were born we start to die don't waste one minute of this life, Get to livin" - Dolly Parton

So as you all know about four months ago I decided to make a life changing decision and get off the couch, head to the doctors and see how to change my life. I decided on Roux Y Gastric Bypass, which I had on October 27th,2010. Since the operation I have been recovering body,soul,and mind at my parents home. I have rested, read, watched TV, caught up chatting with my folks, I have blogged, and face booked...But most importantly I have worked on ME, Not only will my physical body change but so will my mental emotions change. I needed to search ME and see what I needed, wanted, and where I thought my next steps would take me. Week one and two were tuff,painful, yet emotionally freeing. Now I am well into week three I have changed my focus to Living.

In the process of "Gettin to Livin" I have gotten up at 4:30 am to be at the Gym at 5:00am with my parents. Exercise is an important component of any weight loss plan and I figured three weeks post op was a safe time to start with the process. I have chosen to start slow so I don't hurt myself yet at the same time I get used to the Gym being a natural part of my daily routine. I am mostly doing cardio walking on the treadmill one mile a session at a speed of 20 min. I have also tried the elliptical which I hate and honestly hurts my surgical area and knees. I will slowly increase my routine with weights,biking, and maybe swimming with the family. I have made a pact with myself that change in my life is going to happen if for no one else for myself. I will give it my all so I can be a better me to those who need me. I have also Incorporated outside walking into my daily routine. After my tiny little lunch I have begun to take little excursions down to the Pier to enjoy the nice weather we have had here in MD. the Pier I have been walking to is about a half mile from the House so its been a good little work out for me mid day. And I must say I actually enjoy it...lol. I figure after I put my self through all this pain of surgery why sit around and wait for the weight to fall off. I need to get up and make it happen and in turn tighten the muscles so I look even better when it all falls away...lol

"No matter who you are, no matter what you do, you absolutely, positively do have the power to change."~Bill Phillips~ Some of you might read that quote and say "yeh right", what is he thinking, he has no idea of my situation.....I might not know of your exact situation BUT I know my situation was completely debilitating and in ways still is BUT I have chosen to live and not die, to enjoy life and not miss out, and to live my dreams not watch them walk past me. If this blog does anything Lord let it inspire change in peoples lives. You see I may not be perfect but I have come to see that when you're stuck in a spiral,to change all aspects of the spin you only need to change one thing. Change one thing and that result will inspire change in other areas.

I am leaving tomorrow to head to my home in PA . I am so excited to see my son who misses me terribly. I miss my wife as well and all the comforts of my home. However I will miss the comfort my parents have provided me. The support and care they have offered me has been awesome. I'm not going into the best of situations by going home but I know that God is in control and he has by back as I am a child of the king. The healing I have received emotionally and spiritually I pray will supernaturally pass on to those in PA that need it and that I will enter a peacefull situation that is condusive for my and my wives continuing recovery. You see my wife is still recovering from a back surgery 7 weeks ago.

I will leave you with this song quote :" Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead, Yesterday is a promise that you've broken, Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes, This is your life and today is all you've got now, Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have, Don't close your eyes"-Switchfoot Don't waste it...."Get to livin".

Casting Crowns-"Praise You In This Storm" (live)

This has been my most treasured song during my recovery thus far...let it minister to you as I have.

My on going healing process

My on going healing process...

November 7th, 2010

"Eating everything you want is not that much fun. When you live a life with no boundaries, there’s less joy. If you can eat anything you want to, what’s the fun in eating anything you want to?" - Tom Hanks

Recovery from major surgery has its ups and downs. One minute you want to curl up in a fettle position and cry and the next you feel ready to conquer the world. The last week I have experienced both and believe me I am ready for the next step in this process. I have retreated to my parents home in MD for recovery where I can focus on my healing and learning how to live, eat, and function with this new stomach of mine. My parents have been here for me 100% they have made sure the transition from hospital to home was smooth and that all the changes I have needed to make were made with support and love, also a little guidance as they have been living healthy and losing weight for about a year now...Moms almost down 100lbs...WHOO HOO!!! "Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand." - Emily Kimbrough

This week I have been taking it easy by doing allot of resting. I began this healing journey on liquids ,made the transition into solid liquids and now I am working on getting acquainted with soft foods. I have found it freeing that I cant eat as I once let myself. I can now consume about 2-4 ounces at a time. If I push it and try to for instance to sip water after I eat, I instantly have cramping and I just cant continue. I have found it hard to get past the mental changes I am going through as well. I am having phantom hunger...I'm hungry in my head ( at dinner I want a hamburger, at breakfast I want McDonald's etc) However I am not hungry in my stomach. I also feel as though my mind is morning the loss of my full appetite...Its weird and yet freeing as well. Changes are happening and as they happen chains are breaking. So as you can imagine as I am making these changes I still have temptation to pack in the food even though I cant physically handle it, the temptation is there...I just try to remember every time I am tempted to react in the same old way, I ask myself if I want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future and I am a pioneer all the way. There are only two words that will always lead me to success. Those words are yes and no. Undoubtedly, I've mastered saying yes. So I am now practicing saying no. My goals depend on it!

I have been trying to incorporate exercise slowly into my routine but as my sergeon has reminded me my surgery was a difficult one, I am pretty beat up. I am in constant pain at the 8 incision sites unless I am on my pain meds and even then it only takes the edge off. Mom and Dad have been diligent in getting me up to walk around the house and out around the block, out to the Mall and grocery store. This has also helped keep me sain...lol Mom and Dad have also scheduled activities to help me relax and rejuvenate. Mom and I went shopping and we got a new sweat suit, sneakers and some protein drinks to try. Dad,Mom, and I also got pedicures which was so relaxing and felt so good and rejuvenating.I cant wait to get to the gym and start a work out routine. As we all know the more I work out the better results I will see. There is so much to get involved in and so much I cant wait to do...Im so ready to "get to livin"

I have been working hard at following my directions and eating only the foods on my Dr's instructions...its not been easy but it has paid off as of yesterday I have lost 30 lbs...Woot Woot!!! I really am beginning to notice the weight loss in my face and chest. I of course cant wait to see more. I have really been getting allot of support from others on the losers bench which has really helped me in pushing through these first two weeks. My parents had a friend of theirs come and talk with me she had the Roux and Y Gastric Bypass as I have and she dropped over 150 lbs in 7-8 months... she went from a size 24 to a size 0. She looks simply amazing,She is in her fourth year post op and is living life to the fullest. Her story is so inspiring. I have yet to throw up...praise God!!!! Everyone says it will happen...but hopefully after my incisions heal. My belly looks wicked beat up and hurts often but it sure looks better than it did immediately post op. I have made it through all of my required injections of blood thinner with no blood clots. I have also worked on regulating my Bi Polar meds that are now all liquid (Boo) so I am feeling quit well. (I posted this belly shot to show how I'm doing and for people considering gastric that the scaring is minimal...please don't use this pic for any other projects with out my approval...lol)

I leave for PA to see my surgeon for my first post op appointment as well as to see my Wifey and Son who I miss so much. The plan is to return to MD for one more week of recovery after my appointment. I will be blogging more as the days go on, I have many tips, recipes and products to tell all you who are walking this journey as well. So keep checking back.

Here is a photo of me now...You can see the weight loss in my face from my first bloggs.

Reba McEntire Live in Concert Walk On

This song helped me get through the recovery at the hospital....Walk on!!!

Recovering from Surgery at the hospital.

Recovering from Surgery at the hospital...

October 28-30, 2010

"If you want to enjoy a rainbow, you have to put up with the rain".--Dolly Parton

Recovery at the hospital wasn't easy. At times I was in so much pain that I swore I had made a bad decision. I said.."look at me I mutilated my life" The truth is even though I was in pain and uncomfortable I felt productive, proactive, and like I was for once in years"gettin to livin". I have told many of a day last December when I woke up at home out of breath, ill with pneumonia, and to fat to get out of bed to grab my inhaler and my water. I said to myself... Self, get off your fat ass and do something about this or blow your brains out...Get on with it but ya cant keep letting your self wake up each day dead...be dead or live alive. Even though I was in the hospital recovering from gastric Bypass and even though there was multiple complications and I felt like shit...I was living for once not dieing. I have stopped the dieing process and chose to live. So living is what I planned on doing.

As of the second day of recovery I had been poked and prodded at so much . You see my left lung partially collapsed due to shock and trauma of the invasive abdominal surgery I subjected myself to. The medical staff had to insert a breathing tube until they could repair the lung and get my oxygenation on track. My levels were in the low 80s and needed to be in the high 90s. I also noticed that one of the reasons I was in extreme pain is because they had to make 8 incisions verses the 4 they planned on making. Both of my surgeons are very respected in the weight loss surgical field, said the surgery was difficult and they were surprised how good I was healing....? Hello?? I felt like Poo. I had endured CT scans, Echo cardiograms, vascular sonograms, Chest ex rays and even 14 tubes of blood work. This all happened my second night during my stay so as you can imagine sleep was a commodity I searched for and took when I could. I was working with a respiratory team and we were working very hard to find out what was wrong with me.People have asked me wernt you concerned with the risks? Yes but I also had risks to staying fat and I would much rather be taking my chances walking this journey than eating myself dead. Remember Progress always involves risk; you can't steal second base and keep your foot on first!

That night I remembered a bible verse that I had held to in weeks past. "The Lord is near to all who call on him,To all who call on him in truth, He fulfills the desires of those who fear him he hears there cry and saves them." (Psalms 145:18,19) Oh how I cried out tho him..GOD I'm dieing,I'm in so much pain, I'm scared, I'm troubled...give me strength and PLEASE deliver me from this pain!! My Parents were such a support for me they walked with me hand in hand the whole experience. Never once did I feel alone or support less. I had Dad and Mom there walking me through this. I know my parents were exhausted but they never let it show. Jess kept Tabb's on me via phone as she cared for landon. One evening I called her and cried for a good hour "I cant believe I did this Jess...I in so much pain". She just listened and then said Hun..You can do it...it seems bad now but you will look back and see how this was the right thing to do!" Everyone let me know they loved me and I needed to hear it. If you are contemplating the decision of a possible gastric bypass..Make sure you have a good support system because, you WILL need it.

As I was walking through the pain and change I also faced a new way to eat,drink, and live. Now immediately following surgery I was allowed 1 ounce of sugar free clear fluid every hour and it increased every day to 3 ounces at the time of my departure from the hospital. I must say the first day I really thought I was going to die...I was SO SO thirsty yet my stomach was full so easily. Even as I was leaving the hospital it was a challenge to deal with. I find it very funny that my mind is hungry but my tummy isn't...weird. I have had to pace myself because I couldn't drink as many ounces as frequently as they wanted so I'm just going at my own pace so I don't get sick. I didn't throw up at all during my hospital stay but let me tell you when I sipped to much to quick I hurt. Its defiantly trial and error learning what works for you. I kept fighting and sipping and walking through the pain. I started walking up the hallway a few hundred feet and by the time I was getting ready to leave I was walking Lapps around the surgical recovery floor....Crazy. As each day went by I emerged into my normal witty determined self. Walking is a major component in recovering not only does it give you more energy it loosens the gas trapped in your abdominal cavity from surgery and helps the bowls move. Two important effects you want to experience there at the hospital..lol One of the older nurses would say "Michael lets get up and get those gas bubbles a poppin...lets fart,burp, and walk together...lol she was crazy but it did ease the embarrassment.

As soon as they were able to get my blood levels,oxygenation levels, and lung functions under control the doctors agreed to send me home....I was like what? Home? Whats that? I came home Saturday October 30,2010....who hoo! I got up really early that day and my Dad helped me wash up really good as showering still wasn't possible. The Doc came and saw me ,took my big drain out and went over my post op instructions. I helped my Dad get all my belongings together and we headed out. Out to Pottstown to visit my son and wifey but then on to MD to recover at my parents where little hands wont be able to pounce on me and where Mom and Dad could help me out as Jess my wife has just had back surgery we didn't want to risk her taking care of me and hurting herself. Off we went....boy was that car ride home painfully freeing...lol

The Surgery day...The begining of a new me.

The Surgery Day...The Beginning of a new me.

October 27th, 2010

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowds of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off the weight that slows us down,especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us" (Hebrews 12:1)

Holding to this Bible verse I was up and ready to start a new change in my life that day. I knew it would involve pain and emotional strain...But I also knew that God would be with me. We arrived at the hospital at 6 am. My parents, and wifey accompanied me as I made this huge plan a reality. The nurse came and took us back. I was prepped ,dressed and stuck with my IV for surgery. I met with Dr. Edwards and he went over the plan for surgery and the recovery I could expect.He said Michael this is a new beginning for you. Are you excited? I told him yes for the outcome but not for the pain...lol. my family and I said our goodbyes, hugs,kisses, and tears. I could see the concern in my families eyes and I to was concerned about the surgery,recovery, and new life. However, Sometimes, when those around us are panicking, you must remind them and yourself of Gods Word. Even if you are afraid, as you apply the Word of God to your situation, He will replace the treacherous infernos of life with the focus and peace. Then I was off to the O.R. On my way in I was reminded of this verse: Jesus said, "If you say to this mountain, 'Be removed and be cast into the sea,' it will be done" (Matthew 21:21) I prayed for a complete removal of the struggle with weight and for the protection and guidance I would need to get through the next few days. Mountain you must move!!! My life will never be the same...I wont let it! I know now that looking back is simply not an option.

So at 8 AM I went to the OR for surgery. I had chosen the Roux Gastric Bypass and that procedure is slotted to take 2-3 hours...My surgery took about 4 hours. After to surgery the Doctor came to let my family know that everything had went as planned. I was in recovery for an hour and a half. I vaguely remember this time however what I do remember isn't fun. I had trouble breathing and I started to hyperventilate the nurses were there calming me down and monitoring my oxygen levels and all my stats. When they were able to bring me back to reality PAIN is all I remember feeling. They wheeled me into my room where my recovery would begin. My parents were waiting for me there to support me and to make my recovery a family affair. Isaiah 58:8 says;
"Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard." I believe God gave me this as a reminder that there was a purpose for all the pain...Healing will be quick and my story will help others as I walk through my journey. But at this time I wanted the "healing to quickly appear". lol

My pain pump was my close friend and I was in pain. I was experiencing oxygenation issues where my levels would drop really low and I faded in and out of conversing with the nurses and my parents. They kept me on 4 liters of oxygen and set by bed into a chair position in order to get me ready for normal recovery as the anesthesia began to wear off. I wanted to get up and walk...so after 3 hours of taking it easy I was off. I was really unstable and needed help getting around but I did get to walking as soon as they would let me. "Walk on, Walk on, Nothing ever stays wrong that long, Walk on,Oh walk on, Don't just stand there in the storm, Walk toward the light till you find the sun, And you'll be better off in the long run, And walk on" Reba. After my walking was over back to bed I went for one of my many naps. I will continue to blog about my hospital stay and day to day recovery,progress,and new life as the days go on. So stay tuned...

Dolly Parton - Light Of A Brand New Morning

This is the song in my heart tonight!!

I can see the light of a clear blue morning!

I can see the light of a clear blue morning!

October 22nd, 2010

"Its been a long dark night, and Ive been waiting for the morning. Its been a long hard fight, but I see a brand new day dawning. Ive been looking for the sunshine, because I haven't seen it in so long. Every things going to work out just fine. Every things going to be all right that's been all wrong. I can see the light of a clear blue morning!!!" Dolly Parton

This will most likely be my last blog until after my Gastric Bypass scheduled for Wednesday October 27, 2010. During all the meetings that I went to to prep for this huge life change they all talk about the dramatic changes that happen in a patients life both before and after the surgery. Some changes happen in people around you as well as you change for the surgery. As I have been going through this whole journey I have noticed that my outlook on life has changed as well. I am a survivor, a lover of life, a enjoyer of each day and a dreamer with plans, hopes and dreams. I am no longer waiting around to die!!! I'm getting ready to live and to live life more abundantly with a renewed sense of self, God and life. I no longer want to settle for something less than great. I know as I walk through this time of change in my life that God will not leave me, in fact he is here with me and I am closer to him now than in along time. Two scriptures are meeting me where I am at tonight. "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalms 62:8 and "The Lord is comes close to the broken hearted; he rescues those who's spirits are crushed." Psalms 34:18

When I chose to search for a weight loss surgeon I chose LIFE!!! I am not about to halt my plans, for life to walk right across my face. I have lived this past week like it was my last. I have spent lots of time with my son . We have gone bowling,off to the park, wrestling, shopping, and done fall hay rides and such. Even though I am at times nervous about the possibility of danger that goes hand in hand with surgery I feel as though Ive been given a new lease on life so I'd better get to livin'. In Hebrews God assured us, "I'll never let you down, never walk off and leave you," so I can boldly quote: "God is there, ready to help; I'm fearless now no matter what. Who or what can get to me? Hebrews 13:5 MSG ...Don't you just love the Message version? It just makes things so relevant and now! This time for me isn't easy but I am choosing to make the best of it and enjoy every minute as if it were my last.

I visited my surgeon today for the last pre-opp consult. He says we are all set to go, everything looks great and he is very confident that this procedure will have a very positive affect on my quality of life. He says he hopes that I will start to experience life like never before...I am holding to that. To many of my years have been wasted by bad choices and masked unhappiness. No more fake smiles and candy coated lies. I'm ready to live life to the fullest. I have planned to recover post opp at my parents home on MD. This I'm sure will be good for the body, mind, and spirit. Its always good to be near your Mommy when you feel ill. I will also have time to spend on prayer and solitude while they are at work. I pray that when I return to PA that God will have given me a direct path to follow and what dream to chase first." For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the Lord", plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 My sister Megan gave me a quote to hold to during this trying time, and I want to share it with you"In the end it will be OK, if its not OK, then its not the end." I believe this is for me at this time. I am reminded of what the counselor said a few months ago...Your life will change not just physically but emotionally and spiritually...be ready for it....and I am, I really am. " Ive been like a captured eagle..ya know an eagles born to fly. Now that I have found my freedom...like an eagle I am eager for the sky"-Dolly Parton.

Travelin' Thru by Dolly Parton

This has been my Theme song throughout this journey...Check it out!!

Swinging through the days...

Swinging through the days....

October 19th, 2010

Well time is marching on and each day that goes by I find myself more and more nervous as well as excited in the same breath. I am ready for a new chapter in my life. I'm ready for allot of things to change not just my weight...but the other stuff will come with time. I'm just glad I decided to put one foot in front of the other and make a decision for me, about me, because of me, for my own good. Tammy Trent says: "When God is in the time of transition and change, what lies ahead is always better than what was before!" I do believe this will be true for me. I have certainly involved him in every aspect of this journey thus far and I don't see that changing any time soon. I just keep putting it in Gods hands everyday and trust that he has things under control. When I begin to fear I remember that familiar verse in Timothy "God has not given us a spirit of fear; But of power and love and of sound mind" 2nd Timothy 1:7 Fear isn't of the Lord so when I fear its the Devil coming in to confuse me and I just cant have that...Ive come Way to far for that.

I had my last pre-op visit yesterday. I did all of my admission testing and sett everything up with the anetheiseologist as well as the nutritionist. The more information I can get the more secure I feel in my decision and I got some fabulous information. It seems that the pre-op diet I have been following is wrong...lol. Instead of 3 shakes a day I can have 6. Hello....That's why I was starving, my body was shutting down from malnutrition...lol I am still having a major problem with the cravings and feeling famished but Ive been told this goes away after the operation. In fact I might not feel hungry for months following the operation due to the nerves healing on and around my stomach. Whoo hooo!!! This will be a first. Actually I truly have never really felt full. I know that sounds crazy but its the truth. Thank God there will be change in that area.During my visit they also changed my surgery date to October 27th 2010, which is just a day later. I'm fine with that, it gives me time to master this all liquid diet thing...lol.After the surgery I will be on clear liquids for another week so I had better get this mental demon kicked in the butt.

My son told me today while we were shooting hoops at the park " Come on Daddy! Push it! You can do it Daddy...I will help you to run faster!" What a cutie but it just broke my heart. I'm the one that is suppose to be helping and pushing him, yet clearly I cant keep up with my little buddy so in turn he feels that he has to help me. This is the main reason why I decided to go ahead with the Gastric Bypass. I cant be an active part in my sons extra curricular activities if I cant even run around a basket ball court. I told him Landon, after Daddy gets better from this surgery he will be able to beat you and win ...so ya better brush up on your skills. He responded with "That's okay Daddy it will be nice for you to win too....lol". What a little man he is.

Since posting this blog I have been overwhelmed by the support and love I have felt from so many of you. Thank you so much. It really does mean so very much and helps me keep on trucking. Thank you so very much. I wanted to share with you a little treat that I learned from my Dad and Mom. We all know that as a Gastric patients or as healthy dieters we will all have to be consuming a ton of protein to stay happy and have energy. Well there is a product called Muscle Milk light that I purchase in Vanilla Cream. I then add a little packet of Starbucks instant coffee which is really fabulous and shake with ice. It is honestly the best Iced coffee Ive had yet,and we all know I'm an iced coffee fean. Try it you will love it.

Almost there..."Lord give me strength"!

Almost there..."Lord give me strength"!

October 14th 2010

Well I have received clearance for surgery...Whoo Hoo!! I have had to keep pushing the surgical staff for results, appointments,and information, but I have it...My Surgery date is October 26th 2010. They did see a few issues in all that rigorous testing...I am a borderline diabetic,I have high cholesterol, and I have sleep apnea. My cardiologist thinks that the diabetes and high cholesterol will go away as I loose weight. However the sleep apnea is a serious case and needed to be treated with a Bi Pap machine. Now this machine is a royal pain in my butt and is difficult to use but, I love it!!! I haven't slept this good in years. This was a surprise along the road to complete health. I am reminded of a scripture that in essence sums up this time of trial and testing. " It seems it was good for me to go through all those troubles.Throughout them all you held tight to my lifeline. You never let me tumble over the edge unto nothing". (Isaiah 38:16)

This week has been week one of two weeks of a pre operation liquid diet that is mandatory prior to surgery. I have found it extremely hard to stick to this lovely liquid diet.The diet consists of 3 protein/slim fast shakes a day and clear liquid in between shakes. If you look through my eyes you will see my frustration. I usually consume 3000 to 4ooo calories a day as a morbidly obese American. The pre operation diet has me planned to live on less than 600 calories a day.I am starving!!! I would say that out of the 6 days that have passed I have been successful 3 days. The other days I have found myself sneaking mini meals and snaking...its been so hard! Espesually that our dear friend and fellow foodie Nanette has been visiting this week. AHHHH!!!

I realize now more than ever that I am a food addict. I have had cravings like you wouldn't believe and for things I really don't even like. I see now that when things in my life are even keel that I handle food correctly and when there crazy and out of control ,so is my eating. These are great realisations to come to now right? lol It is such a mental demon to fight and it hasn't been easy. But as Tammy Faye Messner says"A person may fall many times,But he isn't a failure until he blames somebody or someone else". I am truley going to give these next 9 days my all and pray that my mind can control my cravings....lol. God give me strength. This comes to mind."I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."(Philippians 4:13)

(For those who are going through this as well I have found that the cappuccino Slim fast shakes are the best,that Muscle Milk light vanilla is great and that sugar free Popsicles and jello cups are the best snacks,Vegetable broth is by favorite broth while Crystal Light has a multitude of fabulous flavors to keep you interested just a tid bit of information for ya.)

The Journey has begun..."Oh Joy".

The journey has begun..."Oh Joy"!

September 21, 2010

In Oswald Chambers devotional "My Utmost for his highest" The November 7th excerpt makes a statement: "God by His Providence brings you into circumstances that you cant understand at all, but the Spirit of God understands. God brings you to places, among people and into certain conditions to accomplish a definite purpose through intercession of the Spirit in you". The game has begun and I am so over whelmed. I find myself in a place I am totally lost and very uncomfortable...The hospital. Understand that ever since my sophomore year in high school I have hated hospitals. I think that is because my brother and sister were both diagnosed with terminal illnesses that year and we all spent quit a bit of time in them. However despite my fears and preconceived notions, I am here willingly and in the middle of the worst run of testing I can remember. I hate it!

I am doing sleep studies,Cardiology testing, Pulminology testing,Vascular testing, Gastric testing,and Mental health studies. The Barriatric surgeon says he wants to be absolutely sure that I am healthy enough to handle the trauma that surgery will entail. The doctor says that if all goes well I should expect to lose 150 lbs in the first six months. That would bring me down to a weight of 205 lbs.I can handle that ...but I secretly want to reach 175 lbs but we shall see. I have found it very hard to stay mentally and spiritually content during this time period as any result of any test could bring a hault to the whole thing, crushing my dream.

I have held to the scripture during this time as a oh so familiar guide.

" Be on your guard. Don't let the sharp edge of your expectation get dulled by the parties,eating,drinking,and shopping...Pray consistently that you will have the strength and will to make it through everything that's coming and end up on your feet before the son of man". (Luke 21:34) Oh how I needed to hear that as I walk through this time. I at times feel like I am walking alone down this road. However just when I feel abandoned, my father has been there to pick me up and walk me through this uncomfortable time just as my heavenly father has countless times before. Thanks Dad.! My Dad has been here to take me to appointments , talk me through my fears,and help out in every way imaginable. I am so glad to have the support that I do.

Standing on the edge of a new forever.

Standing on the edge of a new forever......July 10th, 2010

A dictionary defines the word "edge" in several ways but my favorite is " the point at which something is likely to begin". I have been standing here on the edge of a cliff needing to make a decision now for a while. Do I jump and end it, grab hold of a parachute and take my chances, or follow God and walk off the edge into forever.

You see I have struggled with weight issues and food addiction my whole life as I remember it. After high school I just started spiraling out of control. I have always been able to yo yo my weight around 200 to 260 for years but as life got harder and pressure increased in my life, marriage, and career my weight just climbed with it. Today I am 355 lbs...I'm absolutely mortified to type that but its the truth. For the last two years I have been contemplating weight loss surgery and after talking with multiple friends who have had the surgery and visiting a seminar tonight at Jeans hospital in Philadelphia I have decided that I will pursue this option.

I have done allot of research into the different options, cried tears of self pity, and suffered a life time of being fat. I am ready for a second chance. I am at a point now where I am miserable. I am disgusted by my appearance and burdened by its painful effects. I really feel that I am a man living in a shell. the real me is there yet honestly not able to come out. I am morbidly obese and that has robbed me and my family of the true me that is waiting inside. The late Tammy Faye Messner used to say " Life is all about whats coming,not what once was." I am claiming that today. I'm not going to lay around in the past asking "why?". I am making a decision to make a life change. I know it wont be easy but I need to put my money where my mouth is and reach out for help or I might not make it this time. I am standing on the edge tonight a place where a new forever WILL begin.

Tonight I find comfort in this verse of scripture: " Fear thou not; for I am with thee; be not dismayed; for I am thou God; I WILL strengthen thee yea, I WILL help thee; yea I WILL uphold thee with the right hand of my rightousness." Isaiah a1:10